Yesterday, right in the middle of the work day, my cell phone rang. I didn’t recognize the number, but I picked it up. It was my wireless carrier. While not verbatim, here’s approximately how our conversation went:
Wireless Carrier: <Long pause indicative of the approaching of a telemarketer> . . . Hello, Michael?
Yes. Who is this please?
Wireless Carrier: This is Spr&#t. We are calling to make sure you are getting the most value from your wireless plan. We periodically review our customers’ plans and offer them opportunities to save.
I’m in the business of saving. Okay, I’m listening.
Wireless Carrier: We are pleased to offer you the opportunity to increase your minutes to 700 minutes per month for only –
Didn’t you say you reviewed my account?
Wireless Carrier: Ummm. . .
Is it front of you now?
Wireless Carrier: Yes, Mr. Rubin. I see–
I used like 50 minutes last month and wife maybe another 100. Why would we increase our minutes to 700 and pay more? Plus, that doesn’t really sound like saving?
Wireless Carrier: You are correct Mr. Rubin. You would not benefit from a higher minutes per month plan. However, we could offer you a third phone for just –
Our oldest child is just now getting to the point where she doesn’t try to eat the regular phone. We might be interested in getting our two-year-old a cell phone, but your latest models are too small. She could definitely swallow them. So, I don’t think so.
Wireless Carrier: We also could also add to your account –
It seems like all these ways to “save money” would actually increase my monthly bill. I don’t think I’m going to be able to save the way I hoped when we started this conversation.
Wireless Carrier: No, Mr. Rubin, probably not.
Hey, you have a great day!
Wireless Carrier: You too, sir. Thank you for choosing Sp#$%t.
# # #
I hope that call didn’t use up two of my “anytime minutes.” We only have another 500 left this month on the lowest family plan they offer.
Of course, this whole conversation does beg the question: Does anyone ever really call you to save you money? You know my opinion.
“personal finance” 
“financial education”
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Hilarious.
I love it when a telemarketer has to break with the script. It’s even better when they realize you’re on to them.
Money was saved in a recent conversation with a telemarketer…it just wasn’t me saving the money. It was the cable company calling for about the tenth time trying to get me to use their phone service. After telling them (yet again) that I use Vonage and spend less than 20 bucks a month (including long distance) I convinced the operator that she should switch to Vonage too. It was a small personal victory over the telemarketers, but it felt so good.
Mike: Hysterical. Thanks for sharing.
Baaaahahahah! Awesome. Having once been a telemarketer (before the days of the do-not-call list) I can say that once upon a time, telemarketers could in fact save you money. But only if they were from another company, and by some small chance happened to have a better product than you currently had. I did it several times. However, the only way they can call now (if you’re on the list, which you should be) is if they’ve had recent business dealings with you. No company is going to pay someone to call you to convince you to pay them less money, ever.